In a bold move to combat the looming threat of Trump tariffs and assert Canadian economic superiority, Tantramar Mayor Andrew Black and his council have unveiled a groundbreaking new initiative: a “Buy Canadian Snitch Line.” The hotline, launched last Tuesday, encourages residents to report their neighbors for any suspicious purchases of American-made goods, from Cheetos to Ford F-150s.

“We’re in a trade war, folks,” Mayor Black declared at a press conference, sporting a $1,500 Canada Goose parka that he insisted was “essential for leading by example.” “If you’re caught with a bag of Doritos or, heaven forbid, a pair of Levi’s, you’re not just undermining our economy—you’re practically waving the Stars and Stripes in our faces.”

The snitch line, accessible by dialing 1-800-MAPLE-911, has already received hundreds of calls, with reports ranging from a suspicious shipment of Kraft Mac & Cheese spotted in a grocery cart to a neighbor allegedly streaming The Bachelor on an American server. Callers are promised anonymity or if they are willing, a complimentary “I Snitched for Canada” bumper sticker.

Councillor Mike Tower has taken to patrolling The Independent Grocer and Foodland for violators. “Some of these American brands are actually made in Canada but that’s still not acceptable,” he said. “And this isn’t just about tariffs. It’s about patriotism. I saw a guy with a John Deere hat the other day, and I thought, ‘Buddy, you’re one step away from defecting to Wisconsin.’ We can’t let that happen.”

Councillor Matt Estabrooks, known for his fiery town hall rants, proposed an additional measure: mandatory “Buy Canadian” loyalty oaths at council meetings. “If you can’t swear on a stack of Molson cans that you haven’t bought a single American product in the last month, you’re out,” he said. “And don’t even get me started on those traitors ordering from Amazon.com instead of Amazon.ca. It’s practically treason.”

The initiative has sparked mixed reactions. Local resident Karen Sears, 62, called the snitch line after spotting her neighbor’s suspiciously large haul of Budweiser. “I knew something was off when I heard ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ blasting from their backyard,” she said. “Turns out, they were grilling with American propane. I did my duty.”

Others, however, are less enthusiastic. Councillor Bruce Phinney, who was once censured by the council for suggesting that American bacon “wasn’t that bad,” has been notably silent on the issue. Sources close to Phinney say he’s been stockpiling Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups in his basement, though he denies the allegations.

Councillor Josh Goguen told our Onion reporter, “We want to see residents displaying the Canadian flag as much as possible. Although many people demonized the flag as a white supremacist symbol back in the Freedom Rally days, it’s time we took the flag back. Even though Trudeau said Canada was a post-national state with no core identity, with these Trump tariff threats it’s pretty cool to be a nationalist now.”

Councillor Barry Hicks, meanwhile, has proposed a more extreme measure: a town-wide “American Goods Amnesty Day,” where residents can turn in their contraband items for destruction. “Bring us your Hershey bars, your Dr. Pepper, your Old Spice deodorant,” Hicks said. “We’ll burn them in a ceremonial bonfire at the town square. It’ll be like Canada Day, but something we can actually be proud of.”

Many residents aren’t even sure which products are Canadian. “We have ‘Made in Canada’ products and ‘Product of Canada’ products,” said councillor Allison Butcher. “It’s all so confusing. People are calling the snitch line and even 911 just to ask if a product is Canadian or not. Our 911 response times and ER wait times are already bad enough without people clogging up the phone lines.”

The snitch line has dredged up uncomfortable memories for some residents, who recall the town’s heavy-handed COVID lockdown measures and mandatory vaccine mandates. “First, they told us to stay six feet apart and wear masks in our own backyards,” said local conspiracy theorist Dale Beaverbrook. “Now they’re telling me I can’t buy a Snickers bar? What’s next—mandatory poutine consumption?”

Mayor Black dismissed such concerns, insisting the snitch line is “a voluntary act of civic duty. Violators will be forced to walk around town with a red MAGA hat. If they still continue to buy American goods, we will be looking at raising their property taxes yet again, or if they rent we will remove our rent caps. Let see them pay actual market prices!”

As Tantramar braces for an influx of snitch calls, one thing is clear: in this town, patriotism comes with a side of pettiness—and a whole lot of maple syrup.