Out of an abundance of caution, the Department Head of the Sociology Department, Fabrizio Antonelli has sent out a memo to all staff that they should get rid of all pagers as a safety precaution. “Although it will reduce our communication with Hezbollah we feel it is prudent to take this action,” said Mr. Antonelli.

Academic advisor Sarah Kardash added, “Some of us are a little worried that our Hezbollah friends will consider us to be secret Zionists if we get rid of the pagers. But there is widespread panic right now that any of our devices cold explode at any moment.”