SACKVILLE, NB — In a move that has locals rolling their eyes harder than a Mount Allison student at a 9 a.m. lecture, the Tantramar Town Council has declared that the region’s pothole epidemic is the fault of none other than U.S. President Donald Trump. At a Tuesday meeting Mayor Andrew Black and his councilors deflected blame for Sackville’s cratered streets, pointing south to a certain orange-hued president.

“It’s the chaos he’s causing,” insisted Councillor Mike Tower, pausing to sip a coffee that smelled suspiciously of single malt. “Every time we have a meeting, it’s Trump, Trump, Trump. How are we supposed to focus on potholes when all of Canada’s obsessed with that guy? It’s a distraction, plain and simple. And why is everyone’s elbows up?”

The council’s logic, as clear as Tantramar’s marsh mud, hinges on the idea that Trump’s lingering presence in global headlines has somehow paralyzed municipal governance. Never mind that Sackville’s roads have been crumbling since the Chignecto Isthmus was a hot real estate market for dinosaurs. Councillor Bruce Phinney, a council veteran who’s seen more budgets than he cares to admit, doubled down. “The Liberals love their boogeyman. They’re too busy tweeting about American politics to fix Canada’s problems. It’s a conspiracy, I tell ya.”

Residents, however, aren’t buying it. “I don’t care who’s tweeting what,” snapped Doris Sears, whose Prius was last seen limping away from a pothole the size of a kiddie pool on Bridge Street. “Fix the roads before I start billing you for my chiropractor.”

When pressed on actual solutions, Mayor Black said “Look, once we stop worrying about foreign distractions, our top priority is clear: reducing Tantramar’s global climate impact. We’re talking net-zero initiatives, maybe another EV charger. That’s the future.” This, despite a recent study revealing that even if Canada hit net zero by 2050, global temperatures wouldn’t budge a single degree.

Councillor Matt Estabrooks sighed audibly. “I suggested patching the worst potholes with some student volunteers, but apparently, we’re too busy saving the planet from a town of 5,000 people.”

As the meeting dissolved into crosstalk about carbon footprints and Trump’s latest X post, locals took to social media, where the Tantramar Onion was already roasting the council’s antics. “Sackville’s roads look like the moon, but sure, let’s blame a guy in Florida,” one user quipped. Another suggested that the council renaming Main Street’s potholes to “Trump Craters” might be good for tourism potential.

For now, Sackville’s drivers dodge lunar landscapes while the council dreams of a greener tomorrow. “We’ll get to the roads,” Tower promised, scrolling X for the latest Trump news. “Right after we save the polar bears.”