New Brunswick has come up with an ingenious method for making more housing available to newcomers and international students. “By increasing property assessments and taxes, allowing NB Power to raise electricity rates, and adding the carbon tax to the energy bills we figure a lot of people will probably move out of the province, which will increase the housing supply and open up many homes to those in need,” said New Brunswick Premier Susan Holt.

However, some of the Tantramar councillors are getting angry phone calls and emails from their constituents. “When people in Tantramar yell at me for the high property taxes, I tell them the province does the property assessments,” said Councillor Mike Tower. “Thankfully most residents don’t understand that the Town sets the mil rate which determines how much money we get to blow, er… I mean invest.”

Mayor Andrew Black said the Town also has plans to invest in a town mascot, “The Taxing Turkey”, whose only job will be to go door-to-door explaining why higher taxes are good for the community. “We believe that if people see the Taxing Turkey, they’ll feel less burdened by the financial strain,” the Mayor stated.

Sackville resident Joe told our Onion reporter, “I’m paying $6900 per year for property taxes in Sackville before they just raised my assessment by $60,000 and my last month’s NB Power bill was over $800. I’m going to have to move far away now but at least that will increase the supply of homes in the area.”

Meanwhile, the local school board has decided to introduce a new subject in schools called “Economics of Emigration”, where students learn how to calculate moving costs and the benefits of leaving New Brunswick for cheaper locales. “It’s all about preparing our kids for the real world… or at least, for a world far away from here,” said the school board president.

Not to be outdone, the Greater Sackville Chamber of Commerce has launched a new campaign, “Leave Now, Live Better”, promoting the idea that by leaving, residents are doing their part for community development. “Every departure is a step towards a brighter New Brunswick,” they claim, handing out pamphlets with tips on how to sell your home quickly.

Finally, the town is hosting a “Thank You for Your Sacrifice” gala dinner, where the most financially strained residents are honored with a certificate of appreciation for their ‘contribution to Affordable Housing’. The dinner will be quite expensive with a top chef being flown in via a carbon neutral flight, but the cost is expected to be covered by next year’s property tax increase.

Councillor Phinney was overheard saying, “This plan seems to defy all logic and common sense but I’m afraid to get hit with sanctions again so this time I’ll just keep my mouth shut.”